8:59pm: Oooh ooh, it's Miss America time!
9:04pm: Miss Louisiana is the only one with enough sense to wear a coat when it's obviously freezing. I already vote for her.
9:05pm: "The land of enchantment and green chile"--Best description ever for New Mexico and also my refrigerator.
9:06pm: Really? "Land of the first miniature golf course?" Worst intro ever. CUT HER IMMEDIATELY.
9:17pm: If we had a swimsuit competition for the judges, I can tell you who would win. (HINT: not the one wearing sunglasses inside)
9:19pm: Miss Florida has dead eyes. If a contestant gets stabbed backstage tonight, she is my first suspect.
9:22pm: Pretty sure Miss Illinois' talent is never moving her upper lip when she talks. PLEASE let her make it to the interview portion
9:23pm: Oooh, naive Miss Colorado. Do you not realize that God is too busy with Tim Tebow tonight for this pageant to be in his hands?
9:26pm: NOTE: You can download high resolution pics of the contestants on the Miss America website if you're really creepy...errr, interested.
9:28pm: Yay Miss Louisiana!! See? Having the sense to wear a coat in cold weather really did pay off. (Your mom was right)
9:31pm: FACT: The swimsuit competition is called Lifestyle and Fitness because a woman's fitness is directly proportional to the size of her breasts
9:32pm: Maybe her talent is anorexia RT @uwpux: Who announces their weight on national TV? She's horrid.
9:40pm: Don't want to alarm anyone, but it's been about 4 min. since Miss South Carolina mentioned her weight loss. Am I on the wrong channel?
9:41pm: Umm...the judge just said he's looking for "someone who knows current events" in the swimsuit competition.
9:41pm: Is "knowledge of current events" a euphemism for breasts that I was not aware of?
9:44pm: Fact: Miss Hawaii won the preliminary talent competition by jumping rope. Assume losers' talents were tetherball and hopscotch
9:45pm: I stand corrected. Miss Hawaii actually jumped rope ON HER BOTTOM. Look up the video.
9:56pm: Anyone want to place bets on how many years it will take before "evening wear competition" becomes "lingerie competition"?
9:58pm: "It's the girl inside the gown that really counts." I suppose that's why you're showing so much of her then.
10:01pm: Oh dear. Miss Alabama clearly has a sparkly tumor on her shoulder. Do they have sparkle-chemo?
10:04pm: Girls who voted for Miss Alabama rethinking their choice after sparkle-tumor dress. Hopefully one of you will grow up to build a time machine
10:10pm: Miss America talents you never hear about: Bowling, speed-reading, animal husbandry
10:11pm: OMG don't understand why they superimposed "AFRAID OF WINDMILLS" under this girl's dance, but it is my new favorite thing
10:12pm: Ok, she's adorable. I hope Miss AfraidOfWindmills (possibly her Indian name) wins
10:13pm: Miss Oklahoma, unless you are afraid of a Dutch form of gathering electricity, I AM NOT INTERESTED
10:15pm: Oh no, anther elimination. This is the part where dead-eyes-Florida starts stabbing bitches.
10:18pm: ADVICE: If playing the piano, wear a dress with a VERY high slit. No one will notice if you miss a note.
10:19pm: IF SHE CAN PLAY PIANO AND HULA HOOP AT THE SAME TIME, WHY DOES SHE NOT DO THAT???
10:21pm: Suspect that Miss Texas's real talent is faking orgasms
10:29pm: FACT: Miss South Carolina is about to eat all the cupcakes they have backstage.
10:33pm: Talent portion -- In this woman's version of Cats, the felines are clearly in heat.
10:34pm: No more singers please. Let's go back to Chief AfraidofWindmills and her awkward doll-dance.
10:37pm: "I saw way too much!" We all did, judge. We all did.
10:40pm: I imagine some of these women choose singing as their talent because fellatio is not an option.
10:42pm: They had to eliminate Miss Alabama so she could get the sparkly tumor on her left shoulder looked at
10:44pm: "Miss Wisconsin, your question is: What the hell do you think about that other girl's fear of windmills? Crazy right?"
10:44pm: Miss Wisconsin's answer sounded like magnetic poetry
10:49pm: I want a reality show with Miss Illinois and a whole bunch of windmills called "Why Doesn't She Ever Move Her Upper Lip"
10:57pm: This woman that won? She wasn't good at things. Not even pageanty things.
11:01pm: SUMMARY: Miss Sparkle-Tumor and Miss Afraid-of-Windmills get reality show wherein they undergo sparkly windmill chemo
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Some people use their Saturday nights to go out with friends or spend quality time with family or invent the cure to cancer (honestly, not very many people are doing the third one. GET ON THAT.) I watched the Miss America pageant and shared my thoughts on twitter. Is it as noble as curing cancer? No, but in my defense, the only reason I passed my high school chemistry class is because the teacher let me write poems for extra credit. So maybe I should stay out of the science field unless you want your cancer-cure to give you extra-super-bonus-sized cancer. You do not want that.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Last Saturday night when everyone else was off with their "friends" having a "social life," I was sitting at home live-tweeting the Republican primary debate. I watch these things so you don't have to. Here is how it went:
9:01pm: ROMNEY OPENING: "Yes economy is getting better, but coincidentally Obama stabs kittens."
9:05pm: Santorum will totally win the New Hampshire primary, assuming they decide to let maple syrup vote. Fact.
9:09pm: Romney should maybe stop bringing up the Olympics. Bitsy gymnasts do not equal foreign policy experience.
9:10pm: RON PAUL IS NOT WEARING AN AMERICAN FLAG PIN. Terrorists have won.
9:13pm: John Huntsman is so happy to get a question directed at him, I think he might cry.
9:14pm: (Every time a candidate mentions a hard-working relative, I will drink. Fact.
9:17pm: Wait, why does Rick Perry suddenly look like he is on a soap opera? Suspect he shall reveal a long-lost twin before this debate is over.
9:18pm: PERRY: "In Texas we call that hypocrisy.... We also call the electric chair an amusement park right. Texans are wacky."
9:19pm: Can we give John Huntsman some credit for not having a stupid first name, please? Newton? Mitt?
9:20pm: (Am currently drinking a toast to the fact that Mitt's real first name is Willard.)
9:27pm: (Oooh, Newt has a hardworking military father. I drink.)
9:28pm: I don't want him as President, but I'd love to have Ron Paul as a wacky next door neighbor who never returns my hedge clippers
9:33pm: A moment of silence for Michele Bachmann, sitting home watching the debate, eating Ben & Jerrys and draining blood from puppies.
9:40pm: ROMNEY: “In my view we'd go back in time, and instead of Roe v. Wade, we'd just abort all of my opponents.”
9:41pm: I bet Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann are having sex while watching this debate
9:49pm: SANTORUM: “Ideally, I think marriage should be between a woman and a sweater vest”
9:55pm: PERRY: “Since you asked me about 3rd party candidates, let me address gay marriage....”
9:57pm: John Huntsman seems to be an actual human being, and I'm very unclear how to deal with this.
10:01pm: PERRY “I would send troops back into Iraq...because if I took the time to learn where it is, we damn well better keep attacking it”
10:02pm: Perry just said "Iran'll move at literally the speed of light.” So add “literally” to the list of words Rick Perry doesn't understand
10:03pm: Perry wanting to send troops back into Iraq is my favorite. Assume in the next debate, he will invade Vietnam
10:05pm: Hierarchy of candidates according to hair: 1) Romney 2) Perry 3) Santorum 4)Huntsman 5) Gingrich 6) Paul
10:07pm: A Stiff Headwind Called Government would be a good name for a band, Mr. Santorum.
10:15pm: ROMNEY: “We have the right in America to pursue happiness as we choose!” -when speaking about everything except gay marriage
10:34pm: John Huntsman wants to gay-marry China. Or at least civil-union them
10:35pm: John Huntsman just spoke Chinese. Pretty sure Perry thought he was speaking in tongues and tried to exorcise him.
10:40pm: RICK PERRY: “If I wasn't here tonight, I'd be on the shooting range.” Practicing to re-invade Iraq, I assume
10:46: 'Tis over. SUMMARY: Rick Perry invades Vietnam literally. Gingrich, adorable jiggly cheeks.Huntsman speaks in tongues. Santorum sweeps maple syrup vote. I might be drunk.